I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
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