Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
