i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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