my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Randomize
