end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
