I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Randomize
