when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
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