So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Randomize
