Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
