Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
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