I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
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I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
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Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
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