1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I need mimosas to revive my soul
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
