So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
