ya dads aren't the best wingmen
the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
