shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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