Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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