I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Life without a bra equals bliss.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Randomize
