I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
