i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
