We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
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