Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
