The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Randomize
