Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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