i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
