Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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