My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
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I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
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