I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Randomize
