The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
