The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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