I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Randomize
