Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
I was not drunk enough for that final.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
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