I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
