FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
well, you know. whores of a feather.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
