If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I just gargled with NyQuil
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
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