I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I checked into jail on foursquare
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
