Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
