Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Randomize
