my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
i think i have two assholes
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Randomize
