my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
