and you said cock pushups were impossible
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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