I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Randomize
