its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
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Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
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I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
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