youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Randomize
