She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
