Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
