she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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