Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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