This dress was meant to end up on your floor
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
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