i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Randomize
