Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
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