How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
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