They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
