just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Randomize
