I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Randomize
