Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Panties = found
Randomize
