is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
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I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
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Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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