i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
